Hi Lucy =] This is a very good piece -very well researched and I like how you have divided up the issue into three managable chunks. I would have to say that the introduction is probably way too long you could cut it down a bit and some of the words that you use for your links arn't the most relevent you could use for that point. Also you make words plural where they should't in some places and vice-versa. Also you could make it a more personable piece by adding a bit of humor, it just seems like a lot of research. Otherwise great stuff!
Interesting topic and the research is thorough, but as I read it, it becomes a clutter of information with you hitting bullet points of speculation, but I can't seem to hear your voice. Some of your grammar needs tinkering, especially your singular's and plural's. The raw canvas is here, you just need to cut down on some of the detail and allow your thoughts to move through the piece, looking forward to seeing what you do, cheers.
Hi Lucy =] This is a very good piece -very well researched and I like how you have divided up the issue into three managable chunks. I would have to say that the introduction is probably way too long you could cut it down a bit and some of the words that you use for your links arn't the most relevent you could use for that point. Also you make words plural where they should't in some places and vice-versa. Also you could make it a more personable piece by adding a bit of humor, it just seems like a lot of research. Otherwise great stuff!
ReplyDeleteInteresting topic and the research is thorough, but as I read it, it becomes a clutter of information with you hitting bullet points of speculation, but I can't seem to hear your voice. Some of your grammar needs tinkering, especially your singular's and plural's. The raw canvas is here, you just need to cut down on some of the detail and allow your thoughts to move through the piece, looking forward to seeing what you do, cheers.
ReplyDelete